Something interesting happens to your child between the ages of nine and twelve.  Like a caterpillar entering a cocoon, he begins to build his own world, separate from the one you’ve made for him as a youngster.  In that cocoon, several transformations occur.  There are the physical changes that prepare him for puberty.  There is also marked emotional growth, as he begins to come into his own person and make some attempts towards independence.  Socially, he branches out beyond the familiar network he grew up with, to create his own social circles.  Psychologically, you may notice him alternating between doubt and confidence. That confusion is characteristic of this stage, when children find themselves in a fluid state of being ‘in-between’.

Yes, your child is now a preteen!  He’s in that wonderful yet sometimes confusing phase between being a child and being a full-fledged teenager.  During this stage, your child won’t be the only one going through transitions.  You too as a parent will need to revolutionize your parenting skills as well.

With your preteen, be ready to shift your role from teacher to coach.  Your child already knows the ‘WHATs’ and ‘HOWs’ of the right thing to do.  You’ve pretty much nailed that down in the first eight years.  What he needs from you now is guidance on the WHYs of it being right, so that he can understand the principles behind correct actions and decisions.  Help him to grasp the values, beliefs and principles upon which your lessons on proper behavior are grounded.   Once absorbed, he’ll learn to apply them consistently later on, even when you’re not around.

You’ll also need to redefine disciplining your child.  Instead of aiming for him to simply obey your instructions, develop his responsibility to do what’s right without needing to be told.  Furthermore, underline the value that you want to ingrain. You can do this with self-reinforcing contracts that incorporate a reward or withhold a privilege, depending on how your preteen upholds his end of the deal.  Joe’s story is a concrete example.

When Joe began middle school, his parents asked him if he felt ready to receive a weekly allowance.   Joe excitedly agreed, because it was a real step up from the milk-money they gave him everyday in grade school.   He received his first real allowance on Monday morning and he was told that this was his money for the entire week.  By Wednesday afternoon however, Joe found that he’d spent it all!  Since it was the first week they were trying this, Joe’s parents decided to be lenient.  They still gave him milk money for both Thursday and Friday.  They also thought up a contract that would help Joe manage his weekly allowance better.
This was the deal.  Joe had to make his allowance last the whole week.  If he ran out of money before then, he would not be given any more until his next allowance on the following Monday.  However, if he was able to save some of his allowance by the end of the week, not only he could keep the saved money in his piggy bank, but his parents would also match the amount he had saved and give him that money for deposit into his savings account at the bank.

With this contract, Joe learned to become more responsible in handling his allowance.  After going through one penniless Friday, he learned how to budget his spending.  He had enough money for each day, and he was even able to save some in his piggy bank for whatever else he may need or really want later on.  Furthermore, Joe’s parents modeled for him the value of saving.  Now Joe knows that because he’s using his allowance wisely, he’s also saving money in the bank for his important needs in the future.

Re-engineered parenting during the preteen years, not only shifts accountability to your child, it also allows you to finally rest from having to make constant reminders just to get things done.   That should come as a relief to you.  For some parents however, they worry about easing up on their control.  True, parenting a preteen entails some stepping back on your part, some letting go.  Sometimes, you may even have to watch him make mistakes.  That’s hard for any parent, but trust that you’ve trained your child well in the earlier years.  Now it’s time for the run-throughs to see how he’ll keep going on his own.  Your child’s preteen years are a great opportunity for this carefully guided simulation of managing himself wisely when he’s a teenager.

One thing you have in your preteen is a child who’s old enough to understand, but who’s young enough to be pliable.  This is the time to let him explore his growing independence, yet still gently reel him in once in a while to make adjustments and realign his behavior as needed.   Think of it as parental ‘product testing’.  That means lots of trial and error blanketed in love, before you proudly and confidently release your masterpiece into the world market!

To learn how to mold your children during the most crucial stage visit the Parenting the Preteen site.

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No one on this earth is devoid of inner conflicts. True, there are a lucky few who have escaped having parents who screwed them up, but they still have inner conflicts nonetheless. It is a common notion in sociology, history, and even in modern psychobabble that the past affects the present. But is it really just psychobabble? Does Psychodynamic Therapy really work? Would it work on you?

Psychodynamic Therapy was developed as a modified version of Psychoanalysis. Psychoanalysis was developed by the oft-mentioned and highly notorious Sigmund Freud. You may have heard of him when people refer to sex drives, but his theories were more than that.

Psychoanalysis is the process where the therapist lets you talk and talk and talk, while he probes and tries to understand you and tries to let you understand for yourself how the events in the past shape your inner climate in the present. The only difference with Psychodynamic Therapy from Psychoanalysis is that Psychodynamic Therapy does not involve a heavy emphasis on dream analysis and symbolism.

Yes it’s true that the past experiences influence your current attitudes. You may have a pattern of tuning out your wife when she nags because she reminds you of your mother when she does that. Or you may be overly affectionate with your sons because your father never hugged you when you were young.

When we were in our teens, we experienced a lot of conflicts because of the changes inside us. It became worse for us when our parents would offend us in their attempt to discipline us. This hurt, this pain, sometimes get locked in the deepest corners of our mind in a process called repression. This is what Psychodynamic Therapy seeks to recover and eventually make you understand, with the ultimate goal of freeing you from toxic emotions and unhealthy patterns.

Psychodynamic Therapy does not stop the moment you understand yourself. That is only the start. The goal of the process is to use this understanding to bring yourself to a place of healing. Understanding is step one. Accepting that these happened is step two. Processing your feelings, reconciling yourself to these events and making steps to change your patterns form the rest of the equation.

Psychodynamic Therapy may not be recommended for everyone by the therapists, but I believe that taking the concepts within the theories behind it and applying it for self-healing can be an enriching experience. To be able to metamorphose into a better person, you must know and understand yourself. Psychodynamic Therapy can show you how.

To learn more about simple methods of understanding psychological therapies visit the How to be Your Own Psychiatrist site.

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There are several reasons why people procrastinate instead of finishing work right there and then: fear of the results, perfectionism, boredom, anger, ill health, distractions, misinformation and even the amount of work that needs to be done.  All are perfectly reasonable and all are perfectly understandable. However, procrastination is one of those bad habits that can have underlying reasons. And to avoid it, you have to understand why you do it in the first place. If you know the reason, then you can find a solution.

You find it hard to throw things away: Ask yourself – are you a pack-rat by nature? Is it because of sentimental reasons? Do you abhor empty spaces so you just have to fill it up with something?  Could it be that you were deprived of these things as a child and now you want to compensate for that lack? Understanding why will help you to sort out things properly or be more disciplined when it comes to things to store.  For example, you love reading fiction – instead of hoarding your books, set up a scale to judge how good the book was and either give-away or sell the bad ones then just store the great ones. That way, you get to still indulge in your passion and leave room for more.

You can’t start/finish the work that you need to do: First, do you really know how to do it? Do you have the materials needed? Are you afraid that the result won’t be good? Or are you comparing it with somebody else’s work or even your own previous work? Are you bored with the job? Do you think the amount of work that you will do is not going to be worth it?  Whether it’s a thesis or novel or cross stitch project, if you keep on pushing the schedule away, it won’t get finished. Instead of procrastinating, challenge yourself then – treat each project as different as the ones you’ve finished. In all aspects, you are only as good as your last work, so what’s the use of comparing?

You don’t have time: Is this stress talking or do you have a medical condition that requires attention? Needless to say, you have to find out if you can’t physically do the work. If you are juggling three roles at the same time – let’s say, you’re a breadwinner, a parent and a community volunteer – you really can’t keep on promising to be the boy’s baseball team coach at the same. There’s not enough time to do all. Learn to set priorities and answer only to what you can finish.

Remember, understanding is the key.

Learn the more effective ways on how you can stop procrastinating. Visit the How to Defeat Procrastination page.

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You are starting to feel that something’s not exactly right in your relationship. And you fear the worst – your partner is having an affair. But for various reasons, you might not feel right in hiring a detective to confirm it. Would you give you up and just wait for the inevitable something to happen or would you like to find out for yourself if it’s true? Contrary to the popular clichĕ, the partner can be the FIRST to know. Other than the very obvious physical changes you can readily notice, you can try these simple strategies:

•    Notice changes in his/her attitude – Did he/she suddenly become vague about appointments or is suddenly coming up with conferences at short notices? Was there a change in the way he/she treats you and the kids? Do you still get a straight answer when you ask why the late hours? More importantly, do you still get eye contact when you get an answer? Whatever major changes in life that a person makes will be manifested in the physical. For such a drastic move as having an affair, the conscience still makes itself heard. You’ll see the tell-tale evasiveness; the difference in the way he/she talks or acts; even the lack of eye contact. Not many people can look straight into another person’s eyes when they are guilty.

•    Get somebody else to find out for you – You must know someone that your partner works with or even friends he goes out with. If you’re in good enough terms, try asking about it. It could be as direct as ‘do you know if he’s having an affair?’ or as roundabout as ‘who does he go with when they have seminars?’ Be prepared for the answer and confirm what they tell you to be on the safe side. For all you know, your informant is the other side of the guilty party as well!

•    Check your finances – There are very few things in life that will not leave a paper trail – an illicit affair is NOT one of them. See if there are withdrawals that you didn’t know about. Start noting the items on your credit card bills. If you see items that does not make sense – like a bill from a gas station when he/she was supposed to be in London for a seminar. Or charges from a hotel or a store that you don’t recall hearing about. You have every right to call these establishments about the charges. In some instances, you might even get more information that what you’ve been trying to dig up – like a dress size for instance.

Again, you can be the first to know – all it takes is a few leads.

Do you want to learn the ways on how to maintain your marriage cheat-free as it is?  Visit the Cheat-Proof Your Marriage Without Hiring a Detective page.

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